What is a Biblical Marriage?
This week's inspirational moment is not coming from a historical Christian romance novel, but rather we are sitting down with Sarah Turnquist and Gregg Bridgeman to talk about what is a biblical marriage.
As you know a biblical marriage is a topic I hold dear and near to my heart. We live in a culture where marriage is not held sacred, and sex is a recreational sport. However, God gives shows us through his word how marriage should be. It is beautiful gift from God, when we follow His precepts.
How would you define a biblical marriage?
Sara R. Turnquist: My husband and I have been married for 15 years and what I would define a biblical marriage as is the way that God defines it. It is two people that are pursuing Him and linking arms together on that journey.
Gregg Bridgeman: That's awesome. So, the thing that impresses me about marriage is God's design for marriage and we first encounter that in Genesis 2 when Adam first sees the woman. So, God puts him into a sleep, and he takes the woman out of man and makes the woman, and he stands up and he sees her and he says the biblical equivalent and I've looked up the Hebrew of hubba hubba.
He says, oh my goodness, this then is bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh. And for this cause, a man shall leave his parents and cleave unto his wife, and they shall be one flesh. And the coolest thing that people overlook about that, is that it is the first example of prophecy in the entire Bible. Because Adam didn't have parents and neither did the woman. But somehow, he knew.
That was God's design for marriage, for them to cleave unto each other and become one flesh. And so, I believe that is biblical marriage. And you know, He designed men in a certain way, and He designed women in a certain way despite this current secular nonsense. And when you fulfill those roles according to His will, you tend to get along really well.
Melissa: I love that. I really, I could not agree more with both of you. God uniquely designed women to fulfill one part and men to fulfill the other. When we link up together, it's amazing. We balance each other out.
What would you say we need to do to have a biblical marriage today?
Gregg Bridgeman: Dr. Emerson Eggerich just wrote a book called Love and Respect and it's kind of important that we understand that. You know, I honestly could do without love, but I could not do without respect. But my wife likewise cannot do without love. So, I don't have to respect her, but I have to love her. And you know, the interesting thing about that is she doesn't even have to deserve it or earn it. It's still incumbent upon me to love her sacrificially just as Christ loved the church. And the converse of that is I don't really have to earn my wife's respect, because it's her duty to respect me no matter what.
And so, there's this cultural idea today that it has to be earned every day. And that just is not correct. If we love our wives, as Christ loved the church, if we respect our husbands, you're going get along.
Then the thing that my wife and I have done over the years is we've also invested in each other's love languages. Mine is gifts and hers is not. Early on I would bring home these gifts. You know you go to a store and see some little doodad and think they’ll love this. By handing this little gift to her I’m saying, I love you. What she's thinking is, why is he bringing garbage into the house. So, I learned that my love language is gifts, and her love language is service. Which took some adjustment for me because I'm very independent. I don't want to have the appearance that I'm not self-sufficient.
But to let her serve me is her love language for me. And so that was challenging for both of us to work that way. But those are just a few things. I think if you read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, you'll get an education if you've never read it. And I would also recommend Love and Respect by the Eggerich.
What are your thoughts on how the home should be with the husband as head of the household?
Sara R. Turnquist: The issue of submission is a biblical one and it, like you're saying, it's very clear the way scripture lays that out. The pastor that did premarital counseling with my husband and I told my husband something that has really changed our perspective on submission. He said that, you know, as Christ loved the church, the man loves his wife. And so, my opinion and my viewpoint are important to be heard. It's valuable.
But if we come to a crossroads where we can't come to an agreement, then that is when I submit. But this pastor said to my husband, he said, the number of times in your marriage, your whole marriage, 50 year marriage, no matter how long it is, that you truly have to ask your wife to submit just because I said so, you should be able to count it on one hand at the end of your marriage, at the end of your life. And just like Greg said, it’s a beautiful picture of how Jesus loves his church and how the church submits to Jesus' authority. When it's working the way God designed it to, it's a beautiful, beautiful thing.
Gregg Bridgeman: I couldn't have said it better. I think in terms of biblical manhood, a lot of that is lost today, especially among Christian churches because as I read scripture, men have three obligations, and they all start with P. You have to provide. You have to protect. It takes courage, selflessness, and sacrifice to protect your wife, your family, your kids. A lot of cowards out there abdicate that. But you also have to be the high priest of your home. You have to be the spiritual leader and very much in tune with what Christ wants. What God wants for you and your family. You're the decision maker. Ultimately the responsibility is yours.
I'll go back to Genesis again. You know, Eve eats the apple. She hands it to Adam with her, the man with her, right? A lot of people would like to pretend that Adam was somewhere else in the garden. He was right there beside her the whole time.
God comes into the garden and what does he say? Eve, come here. You and I have a bone to pick, right? That's not what he says. He says, hey Adam, what's up? Which means if my bride, Hallie, messed up really, really bad and Jesus rang our doorbell the next day, Hallie answers the door. Jesus says, “Hey Hallie, how you doing? It's good to see you. Is Greg home?”
Because it is my responsibility as the spiritual head of my household to cover my family and to protect my family. And that I think is the biggest thing that's lacking in western churches, is men taking responsibility for the spiritual leadership of their home. By responsibility, I mean accountability because one day you're going to have to answer for that.
Melissa: I love that. Our pastor always talks about it's the husband's job to present his wife as a beautiful bride to Christ. And I just love the picture that puts in your mind.
I just want women to know, when you marry a man of God, there's full trust there. Mys husband is never going make a decision that hurts us. I trust him completely. The freedom that I feel knowing that I've given up that struggle to be in control. That it's not my responsibility, it's his. There's just so much freedom in that. So, I hope women can grasp a hold of that today.
Sara R. Turnquist: I definitely feel, for myself, the times that I find myself having to make myself submit is those times when I want to be right. When we're having a difference of opinion and that's the moment where inevitably the spirit will say to me, just hold on. Because I want reconciliation and restoration more than I want to be right. And so, I trust God's design, and I trust the Jesus in my husband, in those moments.
Gregg Bridgeman: Some really bad advice, is to just give in as a guy. Well, honey, whatever you say. The reason that that's bad advice is because your wife is your wife. She's the mother of your children. She deserves respect on many levels and to condescend to her and coddle her like she's a child having a tantrum is not right or loving or what she deserves.
What you need to do is stand your ground and lovingly finish that disagreement. And you know, whenever Hallie and I get to that point where she just doesn't want to speak to me, then I just tighten all the jars in the house and eventually she'll have to come talk to me.
What other advice would you give speaking to people today about marriage?
Sara R. Turnquist: I got this piece of advice from my parents. At the time of course when you're a teenager and you know everything, I was like, oh my goodness, that's so ridiculous. But they said don't ever date someone that you wouldn't marry. And that includes things like being unequally yoked, dating someone who is pursuing something sinful in their life, whether they're a believer or not. And so, I followed that advice because I again respected my parents. Even though I thought it was totally dumb.
But I saw girls around me dating guys just because they were having a good time and then who do you end up marrying? Someone that you date. They end up in love and feeling like, oh, I can change him. So, I would strongly advise girls today, young people today, to prayerfully think about and pray, ask God, what has He designed for you in marriage. What kind of person has He designed for you in marriage?
As you pursue Christ, honor what you feel like He's led you to write down on that list. I did that at one point, and I was really surprised at how God fulfilled the things on my list. I was surprised at some of the things that weren't on the list that I thought for sure would be. But be mindful about who you spend your time with dating. Be wise and pursue what God wants for you because He designed us, and He designed our mate.
Gregg Bridgeman: One of the things that we schooled our kids to do, starting from a very young age was to pray for their future spouse before they met them, because you know God made that person specifically and especially for you in the same way that he made you for that person. So, while you're setting about improving yourself, it's wise to pray for that person and to pray for the wisdom to recognize them when God reveals them to you.
The other thing is after you've been together long enough to know that you're headed for marriage, my really, really strong advice, which is very unpopular, is get married. And the problem with that is that our secular culture keeps saying, wait. Wait till after you graduate college, wait till after you get your career started, wait till you're 35. The problem with that is wait's what broke the bridge down. The issue is that most parents don't support young marriage anymore. They used to. People used to get married in their late teens or early 20s.
This is a recent phenomenon and it's very unhealthy. The advice for men, unfortunately is, go sell your wild oats. Be promiscuous before you get married. That's completely wrong. For women, it's, wait until you're very late into your childbearing years. Which is also bad advice. So, my advice is that parents have a responsibility to support that marriage and the young people need to go ahead and get married.
Melissa: I'd agree because when you do that, it avoids that whole sin of sex outside of marriage too. I love the advice that you gave. Our pastor always says who you marry is the second most important decision of your life. The first is to follow Christ and the second is who you marry.
He also says, you don't settle for anything less than what God wants for you. You just run your race for God, and pretty soon someone's going be running right beside you. At that point, turn and say hello.
Gregg Bridgeman: Absolutely. This phenomenon of waiting forever is very recent. It came along with about the third wave of feminism, because it was absolutely not an unusual circumstance to marry as young as, 16 in the 30s and 40s. These are the folks that, stayed married for 65 years or so. Literally until death does you part. So, I think the waiting is nonsensical, really.
It instills doubt and allows the deceiver to come in and introduce a lot of thoughts that maybe wouldn't be there if you had someone who you were married to.
Melissa: You're talking about the next wave of feminism, and I know that's one of the topics that's being discussed at your Christian Writers Conference, right?
Gregg Bridgeman: Absolutely. The Kentucky Christian Writers Conference is the 27th annual Kentucky Christian Writers Conference. Our venue this year is at the Elizabeth Town Community College, which is there in the heart of the bluegrass. We're doing an awful lot to celebrate marriage. One thing is if you're a writer, but your spouse is not, you can go ahead and bring your spouse.
And then there's entertainment and activities that we do during the meals. So, for meals and incidentals, your spouse can attend all the mealtimes with you and have full access to the facilities, and the prayer room during the conference. We understand that even if your spouse is not a writer as you are, they're certainly your inspiration. That relationship is absolutely critical and important, and so we wanted to not leave them out.
The other thing we're doing, we're having a special session on Thursday, which is an intensive. I have the honor and privilege once more to be teaching that intensive with JP Robinson, who is a pretty cool historical writer. JP and I are going to teach on four pretty controversial topics.
We are talking about the different roles of men and women. We're also going to confront biblical manhood and how to write men well, whether they're bad guys or good guys. We're going to confront the ideology of feminism and race, which is kind of an interesting topic for JP and me to teach, because JP is a lot darker than I am.
Then we want to talk about identity. And identity is a tough one to tackle currently where people think that gender is a social construct. Well, I'm sorry but it's really not. There are men and there are women. And then there's folks that need help. So, we're going to talk about that and hopefully give some tools that they can use to tackle those controversial topics in our culture. We're teaching it in a family-friendly and loving way, and we're giving encouragement on all of those topics.
Our keynote is Diane Mills. Just an amazing, talented, gifted, multi-published author, and inspirational speaker. Very instrumental in founding the Blue Ridge Christian Writers Conference, and many other things. She's just involved in so many things and we are honored to have her.
Sara R. Turnquist: I always think that one of the great things about this conference is the networking that you're able to do in person. I know there was an attempt to replicate it virtually and that worked, you know, ish, but being able to sit across from someone and say, hey, what do you write? Or, hey, I write that too. Or, let me give you this great resource. Or, what did you think of the class? It’s about writing and life too.
Gregg Bridgeman: Our theme is unscrambled, because it seems for the last half decade or so has been pretty scrambled as a culture. We want to make our mark and try to unscramble that.
I can't say enough about the folks that, that volunteer on the committee, that serve on the executive board year after year, and that make it come together.
I also can't say enough about our conference. We have fun and amazing worship. We will have inspiration, fun entertainment, and games during the mealtimes. But, as Sarah said, the networking is really key because writing is kind of a solitary profession. You're all by yourself except for all the voices in your head, right? So, it's good to be next to another human being, or in this case, 60 to 100 human beings that are just like you and know your challenges and know your struggles and feel your pain. Maybe some are more mature than you in their writing journey, maybe some are not. You have the opportunity to find a mentor or be a mentor. You end up making connections and having relationships that just span decades or a lifetime and have so much meaning and can really change lives.
Writing, especially when you write for Christ, when you sit down, and you pray and you open yourself up to the Holy Spirit and every word that comes out on the page is God-inspired. What you're doing in that craft is really emulating Christ because Christ, every time he taught, he taught with little fictional parables. He taught with little stories.
And so, we have this gift of story that we're using as a tool to communicate the gospel. And the truth is, we can put that out into the world, and then we can leave this world, and 50 or 100 years later, that work that you did can touch a life. C.S. Lewis has been dead a lot longer than he lived. But people still read Mere Christianity and the Chronicles of Narnia, Grief Observed, and on and on it goes.
He's still changing lives and he's been dead almost a century. The same could be said of any Christian author. You do this work for God, and you dedicate it to Him and write it for His glory. And 50 years after you're gone from this world, someone could find your work and it could change their life. And then you still get to hear, well done, good and faithful servant, enter now into my glory. And how awesome is that? How amazing is that as a mission in life? We definitely want to nurture that.
Another thing we're doing is opening up to the kids. If you have a kid in your life or five kids in your life or a neighbor kid or a nephew or a kid in your homeschool class. With your paid ticket, you bring your kids, and you pay for only meals. And we are opening up the entire conference to them, ages 10 to 17. They get the whole shebang.
We have a special teen track. They're not obligated to go to that. They can go to the grown-up classes if they feel so led. But we really want to nurture that next generation of Christian authors, too.
You know, Christ said, suffer the little children to come to me and forbid them not. Don't forbid the kids to come to me. To be Christ-like, we want to never forbid the children to come. In fact, nurture them, equip them with skills. You have New York Times bestselling authors, Wall Street Journal bestselling authors, USA Today bestselling authors who are teaching along with agents, and editors. It is a real deal. And it's a great opportunity to find that upcoming talent and to really uplift and encourage them in that way.
Don't let anything be a stumbling block to you. Bring your wife and bring your kids. It's affordable and when you walk out of there, you're going to feel like somebody filled the Grand Canyon with information and then upended it atop you. You're going to just be buried in information.
But as you sift through everything that you learned and gleaned over the weeks and months that follow, I can't even express the value that you're going to find there. It is the biggest little conference in the world.
